Michael Bay diarrhea
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
