Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
