turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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