Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
