every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
