I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
