There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize