Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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