gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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