im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she smelled like a LAN party
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Randomize
