True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
