Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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