this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
