I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
