Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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