whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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