She is in my trunk
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
