Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
