6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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