Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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