Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
