Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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