Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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