I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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