well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
