He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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