wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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