I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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