I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
