I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Terrible idea I love it
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
