Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
