Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
