My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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