i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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