After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
