i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
