I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's never too late to be topless.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
