So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize