i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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