Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
