youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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