I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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