Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
