I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize