ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i dont even know how to be here
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
