You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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