You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
