my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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