i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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