all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Randomize
