Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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