im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
