i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I touched a dick in church today
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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