this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
