some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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