1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
