our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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