proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
worst night to have a conscience
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
