I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
