Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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