I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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