The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
