I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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