Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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