Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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