Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
