Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My vagina just recognized that song.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
