i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
