i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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