soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
