THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
