cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
