I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
